Anxiety Attacks and drowning in the ocean…

It’s funny how, being classified as bipolar, when I get stressed enough, I stim like someone with autism, asbergers, Tourette’s, etc. And yes, I’m spelling shit all sorts of wrong, and, at the moment, I could give two fucks or a shit less about that or grammatical errors. I have been having fairly intense stims somewhere around an hour. For those of you who suffer from any psychological prizes (hey, let’s call it something fun, instead of a disorder!!), you know how utterly motherfucking god damb exhausting they can be. Just…life-draining. And when I stim, I tic like a motherfucker. Scratching, rubbing my fingers, hitting myself, rocking back and forth,openingand closin gmy mouth,s ieltn screams, rapid blinking, rapid eye movement, tapping, sometimes sounds.. I get a nice lovely run of the stim spectrum. LUCKY ME. Thankfully, it’s only when I am incredibly super HOLY FUCKSHIT stressed the motherfuc out. And I have been..

This time of year is always pretty fucking tough on me. Starting at the beginngin of July through about the first week of August. I adopted a son out the day he was born, August 4th, 2004. And starting about a month before, I just………sink. I sink beneathe the waves of.. everything. Sounds, tastes, touches, feels. thoughts, breaths, leaves, colours, life itself. I have to keep busy. God damn, do I have to keep busy. I will cut a fuckin gentire yard with a god damn pair of scissors if that is absolutely all I have I can do to keep busy. Today, I rearranged my entire livibng room. That may not seem like much, but I had to vacuum and spray for spiders, too, because I have apparently gained an infestation of cute cuddly wolf spiders. Absolutely adorable, not lethal to most folks, but their bites suck big bulbous elephant balls. And I don’t like things randomly crawling on my face for me to squash. Yes, this has happened. And these motherfuckers are fast as hell. Look them up. Shoo, spider, you belong outside. Assholes. Anyw ay. This involved moving one 32″? television that is somewhere around 75-100 pounds off a 2′ high stand across the room.. rearranging 2 oversized loveseats and an oversized couch, moving two old-school studio speakers (the 4′ tall heavy as fuck type), the tv stand and putting a 42″? 75″ television back on the fucking stand. Alone. While dodging fucking spiders and keeping the kid busy. Whereupon I also found a tote I forgot about, seeing how it was cleverly disguised as a side table (don’t ask) and I found old birthday cards. And pictures.

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Heretic – Lyrics

Yes.. I’ll be posting lyrics from time to time.. Some, I actually hope to do something with eventually.

I am not a heretic
Because I won’t believe
In all the hateful little lies
Fear-ridden minds conceive
There is no hell to banish me
No fiery depths below
There is no mountain up on high
Pure as the fallen snow
There is no path I will not walk
No curse I will not face
I will not fear your sordid tales
Of how I fell from grace

Grace was never offered me, grace was never felt
I’m living life the best I can, I cheat the hand I’m dealt
I cannot fear a fallen god, nor cheer a risen saint
I cannot live my life for you, you will not feed my hate

Treat me like an enemy, treat me like a fiend
Treat me like the devil’s own, cast out on broken wing
Fear my every sudden move, be wary of my gaze
Never try to understand you fucks made me this way

Grace was never offered me, grace was never felt
I’m living life the best I can, I cheat the hand I’m dealt
I cannot fear a fallen god, nor cheer a risen saint
I cannot live my life for you, you will not feed my hate

(spoken)
He who has never thrown himself head-first into vice can never truly understand the path of the virtuous…
He who has never sunk to the bottom can never understand the arduous climb to the top…
He who has never felt the maddening throes of anger can never feel the overpowering throes of love…
The full pleasure of unfettered lust…
Or the freedom of total loss of control.

I will not be your heretic
Because I won’t believe
In all the hateful little lies
You use just to deceive
There is no hell to sink into
No heavens you will find
There is no place to hide your fears
Except in your own mind

(C) by me, and yes, I actually do coprywrite all my work, so don’t try me on that one. Feel free to comment or not. Critiques..criticisms..kudos.. have at it, kids.