Writing (typing, whatever) has always been a way for me to weed out the demons I can dance with from those that try to devour me. I have not done a great job of exorcising those demons these last two years. I would claim an attempt to do better, but I know I will not. The urge to write is seldom felt these days, mostly due to egregious amounts of frustration and anger. I feed off my anger, generally, using it to provoke me in to bettering myself. That has not been the case these past two years. I’ve done well in reconciling my past with who I want to be, overall, but I have learned there is a “full up” point you can reach where you’ve just been through or seen too much. I seem to have hit that point last year and have seen no cessation in the feelings of melancholic apathy. I am angry over several things that have happened. I have two people in particular I wish to lash out at, to rain down wrath upon them such as they deserve. One is untouchable at the moment due to circumstance, and the other I refuse to contact because he does not deserve my time or effort or emotions. And all anger tends to stem from its equal counterpart at some juncture….that counterpart being love (or deep caring/respect/whatever..they all go hand in hand.) So to the person who ever wants an ex to “keep his [sic] name out of their mouths”, I give you this.
Category Archives: Perseverance
Early Morning Truths
Some early morning “real talk” for you..
Jealousy is not cute. Ever. It is the height of insecurity in yourself, your partner, and your relationship. You don’t need to worry about “those hoes”, you need to worry about why you don’t trust your partner.
A “real” woman or man is whatever the bloody hell they decide to be.
Healthy isn’t a number on a scale.
Someone else’s numbers on a scale is none of your damn business.
Sexy isn’t numbers on a scale, either. Sexy is attitude and confidence.
Three dates/booty calls is not a relationship.
A ring doesn’t make someone loyal; their choices and actions do.
Putting a ring on it isn’t going to fix the broken shit; you fix that together.
Communication isn’t just a vocabulary word.
“Love at first sight” is complete and utter nonsense. That is called attraction, lust, desire. Which can be built on, if two people decide to do so.
There is no such thing as “the wrong time”. You both decide to work shit out together, or you don’t. PERIOD.
Love doesn’t give a shit about skin colour, religion, ancestral ethnicity, financial status, career status, or any of that other crap. It gives a shit about how the other person makes your soul shine during dark times, how their smile is all you can see when they’re near, how you crave their voice when they’re gone, how you want to experience life – good and bad – with them.
Someone else’s love is also none of your damn business unless one of them is being abused in ways they do not want.
Someone else’s sex life..see directly above.
Someone else’s choices in life are also none of your damn business unless they are being abused in ways they do not want or abusing others in ways they do not want.
Homosexuality is not a choice.
Hate IS a choice.
We all have prejudices against groups of people. ALL OF US. What makes us better is realizing this and actively working to remove those prejudices from ourselves, individually, and working in groups to combat ignorance.
None of us “deserve” shit, good or bad. That is a word we have come to throw around based on our emotions. What you say I “deserve”, another would cry “foul” if I received. Sometimes, however, the universe/life/whatever tosses us an opportunity. We either run with it or we do not.
There is NEVER an circumstance for which you do not have a reason to smile, laugh, and dance.
Positivity is a choice, not a circumstance.
The universe and world don’t give a shit about you. Creating and maintaining good bonds with exceptional people is a must.
You must love yourself.
You must find the parts of you that are not who you want to be and change them.
ONLY the individual can change themselves; you can never – EVER – change anyone but you. Ever.
Know when to stay and when to walk. When in doubt, it is time to go.
It is never – EVER – okay for someone to lay hands on you without your permission.
It is never – EVER – okay for you to lay hands on someone without their permission.
It is never – EVER – okay for someone to hit you unless you hit them first. In that case, you are a dumbass and they have the right to defend themselves.
It is never – EVER – okay for you to hit someone unless they hit you first. In that case, they are a dumbass and have the right to defend yourself.
You have the right to your beliefs and others should respect that right. That doesn’t mean you get to shove your beliefs on others.
We don’t have to believe the same shit to be friends.
We can discuss and even debate topics without resorting to name-calling.
It is just the Internet; this shit isn’t THAT damn serious.
If someone does not treat you right, talk to them to find out why without being an asshole. If they don’t change, walk.
And to go with the last one….
You are worth more than being someone’s back-burner bitch, whipping post, doormat.
If you want something, don’t wait for it….go WORK for it.
Don’t ever let someone trounce your past. It made you who you are. If they truly love you, they’ll appreciate your struggles and celebrate the victories and losses that brought you together.
Don’t ever let the world or someone make you feel you deserve less than you want. Don’t expect it to be handed to you; go work for it. But don’t let the harshness of your experiences harden you in to someone cold, unfeeling, hurt to the point of being a shell. Fight for your happiness, fight like hell. And enjoy every second of life; one day you’ll be back with the stars.
Depression Sucks, So Give It The Finger
I have been depressed this entire year. Yup; from before the first second until now. Through now.
However……..
I put chocolate syrup in my coffee today. I had a bitchin’ bowl of homemade stew. Callista is wearing a Hello Kitty nightgown while doing her school work. I have a mohawk I love, friends I love, family I love. I don’t live where I want, I don’t have everyone here that I want. The past year and a half has been incredibly painful and difficult in ways words cannot describe. But I am still here, I am still smiling (now with 100% MOAR TEETHS, as Scott put it), and every day is another chance to pick my stubborn ass back up, dust off, and keep skipping along with a twinkle in my eyes. Or crawling with a twinkle, on the bad days.
I may seem happy most of the time.. and once upon a time, I was. It is not easy maintaining a positive outlook, especially when I was 100% negative until 8 years ago, but I am positively sure I don’t give two shits how hard it is; this hooker abides.
I can’t explain it, but I feel yesterday and today are vital turning points in the struggle (I have partially subjected myself to) of the past 18 months or so. Hard days are inevitable. Depression, for me, is inevitable. ACCEPTING either without busting ass to change them are not. So bring on the bright sparkly whatevers, and bust out the toothy grins, bitches, and make today what you will. xo
Depression isn’t the killer – our choices are.
PTSD and Other Varied Hobbies
PTSD is a bitch. It is a sickness that lives in your heart and mind and soul and there is no cure beyond time, understanding, compassion, support, and love…all of which are in too short a supply these days.
Life: Are You Experienced, Baby?
I have most often lived my life in a purposeful state of casual deliberation. I do very few things accidentally, and I have precious few regrets. At the end of each day, the lack of regrets allows me to sleep better, dream better, live better.
We live in a world of lost opportunities, missed connections, not stepping forward, keeping our mouths closed when we should shout from the rooftops. We live in a world of mice-like scurrying form one destination, job, experience, love, new thing to the next. We are far too often concerned with getting to the next experience, place, thing and not at all concerned with enjoying the one we are currently in, and this cheapens the very existence of our life.
This is not, at all, to state new experiences are a waste. No, dear reader! this is to express the idea that we can enjoy the experience we are in now without longing for the next right away. We are so busy telling ourselves we are sucking all the marrow out of life that we frequently do not see we are, in fact, overlooking the bones for the next great conquest before we have even began to enjoy the current one. Part of winning, friends, is knowing how to enjoy the win, no matter how large or small. The joy of a journey may be in the journey itself, but we can also enjoy the destination for a spell before moving on. Part of the journey is enjoying arriving, after all; reveling in how we got there and what brought us to that point.
I have often heard people reminisce on their lives rather woefully, stating they feel so empty, despite having whatever society tells them they must have (specific job, spouse, kids, house, etc), despite having loving friends, family and companions, despite having a great job, car, house, whatever. We are so busy trying to attain the next thing, the next level of life we’re told we should want that we don’t sit back contentedly, stare at what we have accomplished, and say “god damn right. This is great.” And you know what? We damn well should. Look at you, motherfucker! Here you are, alive and thriving, and doing your damn thing. You’re surviving in a world that doesn’t give two shits or a fuck about you. You are making it even when you think you are failing. How is that? Because you are still fucking here, fighting to come back up for air even when you’re drowning. You’re a bad ass motherfucker, and don’t you dare ever let anyone tell you differently.
As I stated, I have precious few regrets. If I took an action, chances are I do so deliberately whether I thought it through beforehand or not. I do not regret my decision; I simply make the best of the consequences and move on. I wallow in some things, but not very many. Well, I do not even wallow so much as mourn a loss of a person or opportunity. If I fuck up, I try to make it better. If I cannot make it better, I say my peace and move on. I do not have “what might have been” issues, mainly because I would not be where I am NOW had my past run another route. I am not, by any means, happy all the time. I am not content with my job nor place of residence nor romantic liasons nor a dozen other minutia of my life, but I am working on those. I do not wish to be content as for me that promotes stagnation, but I am working towards more peace in my heart regarding my station in life and how I perceive it. You see, my life is not bad, it is simply not how I want it to be in many ways. Therefore, I work to resolve those trivialities so I can be more relaxed and at ease at the end of my day. I do not regret; I bust ass to resolve.
Though I admit I do have a few regrets.
Several years back, I had two abortions. Now some people would say they regret that infinitely. I do not. Why?? Because they saved my life. Yup, that’s right; they saved my life. I had already gone in for my yearly exam recently when I had one. I had to go back, after, for a pap smear to verify everything was okay and it was found I had pre-cancerous cells in my cervix. I went in for another two weeks later, and it had developed in to full-blown cancer. I was whisked away and had an (at the time) experimental laser surgery to remove several layers of tissue. The surgery is run-of-the-mill now, but at the time it was new and terrifying. But I survived. I am alive. And I went on to give birth to a precocious daughter who drives me batty and gives me hugs and kisses and cuddles even when we want to scream at each other. {{grins}} So, you see, even those actions that we might want to regret can lead to good things.. I can be upset at my choice, or I can be grateful for the long-term outcome.
And that is part of the problem with people and their warped mindsets today. We are in such a downward spiral of instant gratification that we have no real concept of the long game any more. We want more, to do more, to see more, to experience more, to LIVE more rightnowdamnit so much, we quit really living. We go through so damn many experience, but how many of you actually experience your life as opposed to trudging through it looking for The Next Big Thing?
Most of us don’t. We’re so concerned with providing for our children’s futures after we’re gone, and getting that new luxury car and impressing X people and partying on the weekends to shake off the emptiness or frustration at the week and jumping from relationship to relationship (in regards to both friends AND lovers) and finding a new living room set every two years, and.. I can go on. Fuck all that. I mean, leave a little something for your kids in the positive instead of all bills, if you can, but how about you spend some of that money NOW on an experience TOGETHER that you can all enjoy?? go on a family Disney cruise. Go to Great Wolf lodges. Go to Hawaii, to Ireland, to Japan, to the damn beach down the road, to something together NOW. Make memories, not plans. Our lives are an in-progress motion picture we cannot rewind or fast forward. If we press stop, we can’t press play again.Our lives are a series of memories we can hold on to when the stresses of our responsibilities become too much and we need a little moonlight to guide us out of the troubled turbulent waters. Our memories are what we have left when the experience is over, and sometimes revisiting those memories, eyes closed, smiling, is a good way to spend some time, to fully taste and savor the delicate blending of smells, colours, emotions that an experience can give us if we truly dive in to it and enjoy it for what it is. If we truly experience the now, we can go back and re-live it over and over and over, until our eyes close for good. When you truly experience something, you get to carry it with you.
Why do we wallow in the hurtful experiences by fly through the good ones, trying to get to the next?? Nah, man. Feel the hurt, the pain, the heartbreak, the mourning.. but give just as much time and as many emotions to the positive. When you smell that fucking flower, you close your god damn eyes and take that scent with you to your grave. You feel those jumping happy fuckin’ butterflies in your stomach so you ALWAYs have a spring in your step, even if you get to the point of no longer being able to walk. You take the memory of jumping in puddles with your kid with you until you are nothing more that flecks of dust flung back in to the cosmos. Don’t rush through it. Don’t overlook it. Don’t you dare take that god damn moment for granted. You live each moment deliberately, with happy fuckin’ abandon, and don’t you dare regret or overlook the good or bad that brought you to this exact moment, this exact time, this exact place, this exact experience.
How at the moon. Live your god damn life like you motherfucking mean it.
Take in every experience, no matter how big or small.
Mawwaige Is What Bwings Us Togevvuh, Today!
My daughter, 8, asked me (via written message on a whiteboard, complete with yes/no check boxes) if I am going to marry a specific someone one day. Which she followed up with a note asking me to not be mad at her asking, she was just curious. (No worries, dear reader, I told her in no uncertain terms she can ask me anything any time and I will answer to the best of my ability…and I will not be upset over the asking of questions.) This got me thinking, as the topic of marriage usually does.
Love is a Many-Splintered Thing, Part 2
My last blog entry was about love. Well, I would like to follow up that entry with an addition.
A few days ago, a Facebook friend posted this screenshot:
A wonderful example of not letting the world change who you are.
This screenshot made me tear up a little, because it is a wonderful example of love in its simplest most pure form. Allow me to explain why, in light of my previous post.
We are flawed, each of us. We are products of our environments, the people around us, how we are raised, how we are treated, the information we learn, the horrors and joys we witness throughout our lives. But mostly, we are a product of our own choices. We CHOOSE to change who we are based on the factors listed above, and more. Who hurt us and how, who we hurt and how, daily nuisances and successes, et cetera. Simply, we are the end result of what we choose to allow to affect us, and how we choose to let it affect us.
(Read more below. It is worth your time, promise..)
Love Is a Many-Splintered Thing
Before any of you get all panty-wadded over the titled, just don’t. Fucking don’t.
Now that’s over with, let us continue. I am sure several of you have seen the article comparing John Lennon and Trent Reznor where it waxes poetical about Lennon’s Love Is All You Need and Reznor’s Love Is Not Enough. It goes on to state Lennon was a known abuser of his love and sex interests (so was Reznor, actually) and how he never took time for his family and wife and whatever. Then it goes on to say how Reznor took time off to spend with his family (very admirable) and how he understood love isn’t all you need. For the record; Reznor was a piece of shit to most of his love interests until he fell for his wife. It has been pretty well documented by groupies, staff, other bands. So let’s not try to compare apples and apples and call one an orange, mmmkay? HOWEVER, he DID clean his shit up, and he is correct: love is NOT enough. In case you have not read the post and give a fuck – http://markmanson.net/love
Love is the absolute smallest and most easily obtained building block one needs for a healthy and happy relationship. Love is the one piece of a relationship that comes EASILY. It is also easily lost, if you do not take care of it. But that goes in to other aspects of relationships.
You must have compassion, understanding, trust, loyalty, a deep desire to stay together, a willingness to compromise and work with the other person, genuine joy in their presence, a profound commitment to their happiness, your happiness, your happiness together. Love is NOT enough. You must be willing to take care of one another, defend one another, and kick one another in the ass when necessary (though the manner of the kicking differs greatly for each person and situation). You must BOTH have all of these qualities, and more. You both have to hold your relationship as THE most important relationship, because all your other relationships can be built or destroyed based on that one at the center.
(Read more below.)
If Eyes are Windows…
I am going to start this off by telling you I have a rather petite frame. Though I wear medium shirts in men’s sizes, my bone structure is on the smaller size. I have been known to find my jeans in the adolescent section of department stores by mistake, not knowing I was not in the adult section. Which has caused others to feel embarrassed, but it always amuses me. I wear medium shirts in men’s sizes (and usually large in women’s) because my shoulders, for my frame, are rather broad. I have great difficulty finding dresses that fit due to this, or long-sleeve shirts. Do not even get me started on jackets, as I also have incredibly long arms. Yes; I realize I am starting to sound like a lanky circus freak; I am not. Well, I mean, I AM, but not proportionately speaking. It is hard not to be considered somewhat freaky to many people when you have this many tattoos, stretched earlobes and unnaturally-coloured hair. And watches. I cannot buy a watch that fits unless it has a leather band and I cut extra holes in it. My wrists are so petite but attached to them are incredibly large hands, for a woman. I always have to buy large or extra large gloves. And extra large hats, too. My daughter has also informed me I have Vulcan ears. Aren’t kids sweet?
I swear, this has a purpose.
Self Realization is Self Preservation
I have had a lot of time for introspection lately. Too much time, really. Between the wakefulness thanks to nightmares and my own general introspection any way, coupled with this year’s crippling events, I have had more than enough time to delve deeply in to all the things that make me who and what I am. This is rarely a good thing. I cannot say, yet, whether this has been a good thing recently, either. Though I have come to some conclusions.
I recently did something that has, to date, been one of the three hardest things I have ever done. I sat down and wrote all the things I could, at the time, think that I love about someone. It is much harder than it sounds. I have often thought about it before, and when I did, I often found myself snapping back to the present with my mouth agape, eyes unfocused and staring in to memories past, lost in the swirling swarming events I hold close to my heart. I can no more put in to words the emotions these memories evoke than I can adequately explain the emotions of giving birth, swinging from flesh hooks, adopting a child out, being beat by your spouse, escaping death. They are all things that have no words, in any language, to really explain. Though some of those I can explain better than others. Love, fear, loss..these emotions will never be adequately explained, and they are the three that make us do the most fucked up things. They make us stand when we should flee, they make us flee when we should stand. They make us give when we should take, they make us take when we should give. Or in my case, I don’t really feel fear so much, as I have written before. I have found my fear response tends to go in to pure on “fuck you, I survive” mode where I go incredibly cold and calculating or I skip right over fear in to straight up terror. Either way, I don’t run. Ever, so far. I face it. Then I face it again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And I keep facing it.
I am the type of person who, if I don’t want to do something, if I “fear” it, I have to do it. Period. Regardless the consequences, I have to do it. Yes, I know the consequences. I know the chances of me being hurt in some cases are pretty fucking ridiculously high, but I have to do it. Sometimes, as I told a friend last night:
I don’t care about much, but I’ve lost nearly all I DO care about this year. Sometimes you gotta throw it all out see what comes back.
Salvation In Sin 