I Miss Music

I miss music.

I miss music in a way I cannot explain to people who do not appreciate it, to people who do not actually play an instrument.  I miss sitting down on the porch with my guitar or bass, legs curled under me, cigarette hanging from my mouth, drink at my side.  Not that I miss smoking.. But I miss music.  I miss letting all my frustrations, anger, sadness, pain, misery, and any other negative emotion go while I strummed, sang.. or even when I played a piano.  I miss letting the feeling of the vibration of the strings enhance my happiness and joy.  I miss feeling goosebumps raise on my arms as I play something that resonates my soul.

I miss music.

I miss feeling the keys depress under my fingers.  I miss the feel of the strings as they vibrate and pop.  I miss feeling my heart beating faster and faster, as I get closer to the breakdowns.

I fucking miss music.

I even miss my fingers hurting after I’ve played too long. I miss looking up to realize a few hours have passed, stretching slowly to pop my back, and rolling my head around to loosen my neck.  I miss rubbing the cramps out of arthritis-laden hands and smiling, because the pain was worth the time I got to play.  I miss holding my bass.  I miss taking a sip of whatever I was drinking after I don’t know how much time, letting it cool my parched throat, because I forgot where I was for a long while, while I played.  I miss closing my eyes and lowering my head as I played the sounds over and over in my head, testing different notes to see what I liked best, before beginning to play again.  I miss the countless hours I “lost” while playing.

I miss music!

I miss seeing my daughter sit next to me, sometimes for hours, mesmerized by whatever I played.  I miss hearing her hum along as she got the rhythm and beat, I miss hearing her make up songs to whatever I played.  I miss seeding her eyes light up as I pulled out one of my guitars and began tuning it.  I miss her incessant questions about why I did this or that, and how.  I miss seeing her eyes light up as I started to play.

I miss music.

I miss the absolute release.  I miss how exhausted I would be after playing out my emotions.  I miss dragging myself to bed at whatever hour because I gave music all my hurt and I had nothing left.  I miss walking back inside with a flounce because I let go of all the hurt and added back to my joy.

I miss playing.

I miss my bass.

I miss being able to play for hours instead of a few minutes before I’m crying form pain, because of a severely damaged wrist.

I miss the release.

I fucking miss music.  And listening is never the same.

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Heretic – Lyrics

Yes.. I’ll be posting lyrics from time to time.. Some, I actually hope to do something with eventually.

I am not a heretic
Because I won’t believe
In all the hateful little lies
Fear-ridden minds conceive
There is no hell to banish me
No fiery depths below
There is no mountain up on high
Pure as the fallen snow
There is no path I will not walk
No curse I will not face
I will not fear your sordid tales
Of how I fell from grace

Grace was never offered me, grace was never felt
I’m living life the best I can, I cheat the hand I’m dealt
I cannot fear a fallen god, nor cheer a risen saint
I cannot live my life for you, you will not feed my hate

Treat me like an enemy, treat me like a fiend
Treat me like the devil’s own, cast out on broken wing
Fear my every sudden move, be wary of my gaze
Never try to understand you fucks made me this way

Grace was never offered me, grace was never felt
I’m living life the best I can, I cheat the hand I’m dealt
I cannot fear a fallen god, nor cheer a risen saint
I cannot live my life for you, you will not feed my hate

(spoken)
He who has never thrown himself head-first into vice can never truly understand the path of the virtuous…
He who has never sunk to the bottom can never understand the arduous climb to the top…
He who has never felt the maddening throes of anger can never feel the overpowering throes of love…
The full pleasure of unfettered lust…
Or the freedom of total loss of control.

I will not be your heretic
Because I won’t believe
In all the hateful little lies
You use just to deceive
There is no hell to sink into
No heavens you will find
There is no place to hide your fears
Except in your own mind

(C) by me, and yes, I actually do coprywrite all my work, so don’t try me on that one. Feel free to comment or not. Critiques..criticisms..kudos.. have at it, kids.