Dear Karma – We need to talk.
You know a few years ago, I went through some shit that would be considered pretty damn bad by most Americans’ standards. I say American, because, well, let’s face it: Africa and anywhere oil is located.
Since then, I’ve had bouts of time where things were not going precisely wrong, but they were most definitely not right. I suppose one could say I’ve been on a rocking even keel – overall, of course – for 5.5 years. Which is not to be scoffed at, do not get me wrong. Better to have an even keel than slowly going under. But then again, sometimes keeping that even keel for an extended period of time is a slower sinking process than one could imagine, until one experiences it. Allow me to explain..
In the past half-decade, I have most definitely had my share of extreme losses and gains, whether it be loss of loved ones or creating, strengthening and maintaining new strong bonds. I have experienced loss of very valuable material possessions while laughing, I have gained a good job and moved to where I want to be (for now). I have raged and fought and laughed and cried and drank and thrown up.. I have danced and sung with abandon; I have loved deeply and
lost grieviously. I have lost the ability to play my bass but gained valuable musical contacts..that, truthfully, are much more valued for themselves, not who or what they know. I have lived a rollercoaster longer than I often want to remember, but I have LIVED. I have hustled and struggled and grinded.. I have nearly given up, run away, gotten lost in despair. I have learned if something comes easy, I had damn well better be wary of it. I have learned I do not adjust well when things go right, because I am so used to having not just a shoe, but a boot fall on my head, and it is usually followed by its mate. This is not a healthy way to live. It is not healthy to want, to desire, to need pain to feel right, to feel okay, to be happy. But then again, I am in the best mental state of my life, and am rarely truly own, even when I am hurting emotionally or mentally. And frankly, I am exhausted and tired of nearly everything truly important to me being so god damn difficult.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want EVERYTHING to be easy.. if it were, I would turn in to an insufferable waste bent on pure self-entitlement, and would lose any redeeming qualities of humility and humanity I may still retain. But, Karma, sometimes I truly wonder about you. I have fought wars and raged in battles I have never fully shared with anyone. I have more pain on a daily basis than even my doctors know. I have shared bits and pieces around, but I learned long ago that I cannot talk through my problems. I can not talk down my demons. I can only dance with them, feast with them, rage with them, befriend them..become them. And mostly, I am alright with that. I fight joining them nearly every time, knowing what the outcome will be. But I think that struggle is what keeps my soul gray instead of turning black..That struggle is what has helped me become a person who loves far too deeply and unapologetically, when someone has gained entrance through my ventricles. And I think that is a good thing.
Some people are born fighters, some are made. Some are born with the strength needed to do anything..some gain strength along the way. And as strong as a person may become, they gain weakness in comparable amounts elsewhere. Think about the absolute strongest person you know. that person is also the weakest, though you may never see it. Because when the strong actually need someone, there is almost never a time when someone is there who can understand. And more often than not, you get bullshit and recriminations from people who expect you to be strong for THEM all the time. A rock has no one to stop its roll down a steep hill but another rock. And too often, the other rocks are not in sight because they are stopping the flow of sediment, debris, fallen foliage and rains for others.
Karma, I will never understand why I was subjected to some of the things I have survived…but mostly, I am glad I had those hurdles tossed at me, but more, I am glad I was strong enough to survive them..though in truth, there is yet a chance they will defeat me..it is a daily struggle. Yes, it has lessened with the passage of time, the cuddles of family (genetic and non-), the love of good souls, the time spent in laughter and tears and love and drunkenness with
these rare, loyal, amazing people who still leave me breathless. Despite that, despite them, I still do not now – nor will I ever, most likely – understand the tumultuous curents you have rolled me with. I will never understand, I think, the ebb and flow of storms and calm seas you have cast at the ship that has been my life. I will never understand how these waters can be so peaceful and lovely and serene, yet so lonely and harsh and shriekingly hellish.
Looking back now, I truly do not understand how the bow of my soul has not collapsed. I don’t know how I’ve managed to rebuild my masts, re-sew my sails and continue sailing with a smile on my lips, a song in my heart, a twinkle in my eye, a laugh in my throat..and love and (mostly) peace in my heart. But I have.
I have been told for years longer than I wish to think on that my Karmic payback is just around the corner. I’ve been told countless times the best thing of my life is just over the next wave. And, invariably, each time, I’ve found myself beached on a suddenly rising dune that I had to dig my way out of. I don’t mind hard work with a purpose generally. But I’ll tell ya, Karma, I am a bit tired of patching up this ol’ shovel. Patching it, I say, because it has been so used. On the other hand, I am gratefulI can still patch it. Hell, I am Southern-raised. As long as I have duct tape and a paperclip, I’m good to
go. But at the same time…I have wondered what the bloody fuck I did to deserve the shit I’ve gone through. I have racked my brain trying to figure out just why I deserved all of it. And the answer is – I don’t have an answer. Maybe my positive Karma has come back to me in the form of the twisted and completely bent motherfuckers I now call family. Maybe it is the positive demeanor I now carry, despite the rocky frightening storms you keep casting my way
with nearly-appalling regularity. Or maybe you just don’t fucking exist, and you’re just another form of humans trying to understand Chaos, when there is no understanding it. After all, there is always Chaos in Order, just as much as there is always Order in Chaos. Who knows?
But I will say this, Karma… Do me a solid if you ever have a tea party with the “Bitch Sisters” – you know which ones I mean? Yeah. Them. Lachesis, Atropos and Clotho… The next time you ladies get together for a mad tea party, slap the fuck out of each other for me. Then hug each other and tell each other thank you, also for me. I can feel something big coming…I’ve known it’s been coming a while, and I just haven’t been ready for it. I don’t know if it’s good or bad, or neither. I just hope to keep my ship together for one more ride, lashing my arms to the wheel, if I must, storm spraying around my face, eyes wide and twinkling, a fierce grin on my face as I laugh, steering this fuckin’ barge through yet another hellstorm. Because, if I’ve a breath of true life in me, a spark of hope..a dash of support.. Hell, just a smidge of the stubborn FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME! left in me, I won’t give..I won’t abandon ship..I won’t sink in hopelessness.
So I suppose I’ll close with this. I know I am writing a letter to you, dear Karma.. But to Life, I want to say… Thank you for the perspectives I never wanted, but helped me survive. Thank you for giving me enough hardships before you knocked me flat on my ass, because you gave me the strength to get back up, shaky as I was. To the people who did everything in their power to break me, thank you for giving me the opportunity to grow, to strengthen..and to realize I have the balls to remove you from my life….and I did. To the people who have treated me right, thank you for showing me maybe I AM worth loving and accepting just as I am, and that being me is not only okay, but desired.. I don’t have to feel guilty or bad, or apologize…and thank you for letting me love you in return. I know I’ve said that to you band of fuckin’ freaks before, but I can’t express how much I truly mean it.
Don’t ever get so caught up in who you are that you forget who you were, cubby.
Dear Karma.. You’re a fucking bitch. But I’d love to have you over for dinner and a movie night sometime….we can both take the night off.