The captain of your ship of dreams..

Y’know what I’m tired of hearing, seeing people post, reading, whatever, about relationships?
“It’ll work out some day. It HAS to, right?”
Well, I’ve got your answer, darlings.
No.
NO, it does not have to work out some day. This isn’t Disney, you’re not a god damn princess, and the bottom line is NO, it will not work out for everyone.

Let me break it down for you, okay?

People have several parts at their core that make them who and what and how they are. I believe, apart form some special crazy as fuck cases, we are all born basically good, but then LIFE happens. But we are NOT born good. Check it out – you can take a 2 year old to daycare, and s/he will kick/bite/punch other kids. Because we have to learn to control our display of emotions, and, like it or not, ANGER and JEALOUSY are a part of that. It is amazing to me that so many adults are so adept at hiding things like love and compassion (or just ignoring they exist), but have no problem showing negative emotions on a consistent basis. What, you learned all the good shit is bad, so fuck it? NO, what you learned is that if you give a god damn, you can be hurt by other people who don’t give that same god damn, or don’t know how/want to express it. So people supress the good shit and let the bad shit fly.

Nah, I’m not just a jaded cynic. (After all, is it not true that if you scratch slightly beneath the surface of a jaded cynic, you reveal the hopeless romantic beneath? Oh, aye, it is true!) I am, at the core, a realist about people. We are, after all, higher-thinking animals. At best. We’ve raped, pillaged, stolen, murdered, tortured, bought and fought our way in to our current world. Our ancestors committed what we’d (well, some of us) would see as atrocious acts so you can run and get your cup of Starbucks fairly unmolested these days. We live in an age of soft paunches and softer minds, slowly whoring our instincts out into nothingness for a feeble lie of security. And so damn many of you whore out yourselves for the lie of love and trust and family. I say the lie, because so god damn many of you do not love your spouses…you just stay because you feared the real emotions.. Feared them when you found them, or feared you wouldn’t find them, so settled for something/someone who could make you content. Ish.

I am not the type to settle. I was, once. Or maybe that WAS real at the time. Things DO get muddled about my past in my head thanks to severe head trauma. What I see now in my past is not how I saw it then, of course. Events, life shaped my current perception..as it has for us all. {{thinks}} Once, I was happy with my now former spouse. I was blissful, happy, abrupt, brash and juvenile. I thought we’d be Together Forever..not because I wanted to be, but because that’s how it’s supposed ot be when you love someone, right? And I did love him once. For a while. Now, I’ve experienced rushes and emotions and world-toppling feelings since that make me wonder how the FUCK I ever settled for the mediocrity that was that former relationship… But at the time, for the person I was and my experiences, that shit was AWESOME. I simply have more experience to lead me now.

But back to my point… People allow their experiences to colour their perceptions and decisions and actions. They get hurt by someone, so they only give love a feeble, at best, chance. And yet, many of these same people will fuck left and right and sideways and.. completely unemotionally and without protection, and act like it is nothing. They close off their emotions and shoot for easy prey so they won’t have to REALLY care, so there’s no chance of being hurt. Oh, we tell ourselves after that we are hurt.. And sure, we are.. but it has nothing.. NOTHING…to do with the person we were with. It ALWAYS has to do with uourselves. Was I not enough? Did they not like how I did ______? et cetera. It always has to do with our own fears about us, because we know, deep in our hearts where we hide all the shit we don’t want to face, all the shit we want, and all the shit we fear wanting or getting and losing, that wen ever really gave more than a passing fuck about that person. We kept them in our lives because it was somebody, and they could make us somewhat content….and somewhat content is better than nothing but ourselves, or really falling in love and losing them, right? RIGHT?!

Meh. I say not. I say not, however, because I’ve reached a point where I not only know but LOVE myself. I’ve never thought before now if I respect myself..I guess I don’t really care, it is inconsequential to me.. But I love myself. And I like myself. I’m the type of person I want to be. I’m the type of person I want to be around. I’m pretty damn close to the type of person I want to be with. I am not a mismatched collection of personality types I’m expected to be…hell, I am mostly NOT what my family wanted me to be, and that took some time to accept…but I am who I am, and I am who I love. And because of that, I enjoy my own company. I do not have an overwhelming need to fill my time with someone else because I cannot stand my own company… I have a desire to fill my time with someone whose time I ENJOY, because I enjoy that person. I do not need anyone I know, and those I’ve kept in my life are more precious to me because I have chosen to have them in it.

People are hurt, wounded and crying animals and often don’t even realize it. They fight and pillage and mourn and run in fear because they are afraid to go after what truly pleases them. The best things in life for us are also the worst..because those are the things we give power over us, to hurt us. You can never know true reward if you never truly risk anything to get it. But then, I say that as someone who’s never had a single god damn good thing happen to me (or person) who just fell in to my life easily. Every good thing I have was bought through time, blood, sweat, tears, hardship, laughter, love, pain, determination and perseverance.

You want to know how to make it “work out”?! It doesn’t. YOU do. YOU make things work. YOU put in the time. YOU put in the communication and honesty and love and laughter and tears and acceptance and compromise. YOU do it.

The world doesn’t own you shit. The world doesn’t give a FUCK about you. the world doesn’t give a shit if you live, die, laugh, love, hurt, cry, giggle, shit, vomit, sleep or fuck. You are the captain of your own ship of dreams, and if you won’t even get off your god damn fearful lazy ass to steer it, you don’t deserve anything you want.

MAYBE it will work out some day. Maybe YOU will find someone who wants to work it out as much as you do, so you make it work. But it won’t work itself out. Ever. And if you never try, really try, you’ll never know just how far you can go, how much you can do, how much you can acquire.

Be silent, sit, do nothing and you will have nothing.  Stand, be counted, shout, laugh, love, try, RISK..and maybe one day you will be rewarded.  I promise you will be hurt.  You will be knocked to your knees.  You will jump and you will fall.  But y’know what? After a while, you learn to stand up, still smiling, dust off your knees, and walk on with a spring in your step, a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your lips.  Because even if you fail at some tasks, god damn it, fuckers, you are LIVING.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s