Before any of you get all panty-wadded over the titled, just don’t. Fucking don’t.
Now that’s over with, let us continue. I am sure several of you have seen the article comparing John Lennon and Trent Reznor where it waxes poetical about Lennon’s Love Is All You Need and Reznor’s Love Is Not Enough. It goes on to state Lennon was a known abuser of his love and sex interests (so was Reznor, actually) and how he never took time for his family and wife and whatever. Then it goes on to say how Reznor took time off to spend with his family (very admirable) and how he understood love isn’t all you need. For the record; Reznor was a piece of shit to most of his love interests until he fell for his wife. It has been pretty well documented by groupies, staff, other bands. So let’s not try to compare apples and apples and call one an orange, mmmkay? HOWEVER, he DID clean his shit up, and he is correct: love is NOT enough. In case you have not read the post and give a fuck – http://markmanson.net/love
Love is the absolute smallest and most easily obtained building block one needs for a healthy and happy relationship. Love is the one piece of a relationship that comes EASILY. It is also easily lost, if you do not take care of it. But that goes in to other aspects of relationships.
You must have compassion, understanding, trust, loyalty, a deep desire to stay together, a willingness to compromise and work with the other person, genuine joy in their presence, a profound commitment to their happiness, your happiness, your happiness together. Love is NOT enough. You must be willing to take care of one another, defend one another, and kick one another in the ass when necessary (though the manner of the kicking differs greatly for each person and situation). You must BOTH have all of these qualities, and more. You both have to hold your relationship as THE most important relationship, because all your other relationships can be built or destroyed based on that one at the center.
(Read more below.)
“But, no!” you might be thinking. YES. If you BOTH do not have a full commitment and desire to be together, that shit will fall apart like a cake pulled out of the pan before it cools. For you non-baking types, that means the shit will crumble. CRUMBLE. If you put any other relationship above that core, everything will fall apart in the core. Every time. You both have to make a conscious choice to make THIS the most important relationship, and then follow through with the commitment required to maintain that choice.
I have been thinking about love a lot lately. No, not because I am or am not in love. Not because of any specific occurrence in my life. Love is not a biological need or desire. Love does not exist on anything more than your current mental and emotional plane. You disagree? I don’t really care. And here is why…
Have you ever known someone with amnesia? It’s the damndest thing.. the majority of the time, they remember skills (like tying shoes), but they don’t remember people. Even the people they supposedly love the most.
Love is a choice. It is a choice to “waste” your time with others. It is a choice to let them experience life with you and experience life with them. It is a choice to give them pieces of your soul in the form of sharing memories and making new ones.
Love is not tied to any necessary physical or physiological need. We love someone else because we form bonds through chosen contact. We love them through memories of time and laughter and tears shared. So when we, for whatever reason, lose our memories, those emotions are gone. We lose the link in our heads that tell us: “this person is fucking bad ass topped with a cherry of awesome. I love this person. I want to spend my time with this person.” When you go through memory loss, you then have to decide whether you want to spend time getting to know that person again. Sometimes memories come back and you remember all the reasons you loved them to begin with. If it does not..you have to relearn everything about them, and yourself.
So that brings me to the point I have been thinking of so much lately; love is bullshit. It is utter and complete made-up bullshit that never existed…except in our choices. In our minds. In our daily desire and resolve to allow ourselves to make connections and just as important, to MAINTAIN those connections. To deepen the bonds and forge new ones. To bust ass to work through issues.
You see, we have to farm emotions much as we farm land. Some will take root and grow despite our efforts, or lack. Most, however, will wither and die without our constant attention. Anger, hate, rage..love, joy, contentment, peace. They are states of being and conscious choices to FEEL. They all have to be fed to grow, to bloom, to be strong and weather life.
It is also a choice to stop loving. To quit compromising, being loyal or faithful, to put a stop to compassion. It is not always a conscious resolve. Sometimes, the choice is made over months, years of tiny pains and hurts that build in to resentment that we feed with our thoughts and words. (Yes; we have to feed ALL emotions to allow them to grow.) Sometimes, one big action brings us to a point to stop loving (think: abuse, cheating). Now, some of us hang on thinking we can get that love back, but once the decision is made, that is it. Hanging on only cheapens what was AND what could be. Now, that is not to say love will always be destroyed by those small or large pains; it won’t be. But we all have a point that, once reached, is a game changer, a game ender. And we have to learn to recognize that point and act accordingly.
You see, love IS a many-splintered thing.
That does not mean the splinters cannot be healed or sanded down to something smoother, more beautiful, stronger; it simply means we have to be able to recognize those splinters for what they are and make a choice on how to deal with them.
Love is a choice. Choose wisely.