The Life of a Human Reverse-Cicada and the Songs She Sings..

…Or maybe, more to the point, making myself sing, even when everything in me wishes to scream.

Three days ago, 22July2014, I drove through a rainbow. Yes, through.  This is not even scientifically possible, yet it happened.  It happened quite clearly.  I have never actually seen the end of a rainbow in my entire 34 years. Rainbows are the dispersion of light through water in the air, so you should never be able to drive through one, as your perspective would keep you seeing the rainbow ever in front of you.  Even seeing an “end” is highly unlikely, though if you have a clear view for a long enough distance, it would be possible.  Where I was driving, the visibility was .. let us say what happened should not have been possible, but happen, it did.

I have seen several things in my life that should not be possible.  It does not really matter which things.  They happened, they are done.  I do not read horoscopes.  I do not look for signs.  However, I have noticed that sometimes things present themselves to us that seem to, upon later inspection, foreshadow later events.  After driving through the rainbow, I texted someone who is, despite no genetic link, my brother.  I told him after that, I was surely to die or win at life. Funny, that.  I have not yet died, but the next day proved… another small death of sorts.  And I have suffered so many of those in my life.

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Anxiety Attacks and drowning in the ocean…

It’s funny how, being classified as bipolar, when I get stressed enough, I stim like someone with autism, asbergers, Tourette’s, etc. And yes, I’m spelling shit all sorts of wrong, and, at the moment, I could give two fucks or a shit less about that or grammatical errors. I have been having fairly intense stims somewhere around an hour. For those of you who suffer from any psychological prizes (hey, let’s call it something fun, instead of a disorder!!), you know how utterly motherfucking god damb exhausting they can be. Just…life-draining. And when I stim, I tic like a motherfucker. Scratching, rubbing my fingers, hitting myself, rocking back and forth,openingand closin gmy mouth,s ieltn screams, rapid blinking, rapid eye movement, tapping, sometimes sounds.. I get a nice lovely run of the stim spectrum. LUCKY ME. Thankfully, it’s only when I am incredibly super HOLY FUCKSHIT stressed the motherfuc out. And I have been..

This time of year is always pretty fucking tough on me. Starting at the beginngin of July through about the first week of August. I adopted a son out the day he was born, August 4th, 2004. And starting about a month before, I just………sink. I sink beneathe the waves of.. everything. Sounds, tastes, touches, feels. thoughts, breaths, leaves, colours, life itself. I have to keep busy. God damn, do I have to keep busy. I will cut a fuckin gentire yard with a god damn pair of scissors if that is absolutely all I have I can do to keep busy. Today, I rearranged my entire livibng room. That may not seem like much, but I had to vacuum and spray for spiders, too, because I have apparently gained an infestation of cute cuddly wolf spiders. Absolutely adorable, not lethal to most folks, but their bites suck big bulbous elephant balls. And I don’t like things randomly crawling on my face for me to squash. Yes, this has happened. And these motherfuckers are fast as hell. Look them up. Shoo, spider, you belong outside. Assholes. Anyw ay. This involved moving one 32″? television that is somewhere around 75-100 pounds off a 2′ high stand across the room.. rearranging 2 oversized loveseats and an oversized couch, moving two old-school studio speakers (the 4′ tall heavy as fuck type), the tv stand and putting a 42″? 75″ television back on the fucking stand. Alone. While dodging fucking spiders and keeping the kid busy. Whereupon I also found a tote I forgot about, seeing how it was cleverly disguised as a side table (don’t ask) and I found old birthday cards. And pictures.

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Inconvenient Painful Truths

Yes, readers, if I’ve any left, I am back. And the title of this particular blog could not be more apt had I dreamed it, woken and immediately started clacking away at this worn and near-broken set of keys.

I have many things I need to say, want to say, and none of which are likely to come out with ease, if at all. I have been silent, have hidden prior posts, due to the feelings of someone else. Due to.. stupid reasons of my own choosing. Hell, I don’t even feel like posting this now, but I feel I must. I have several anniversaries of high import approaching, and this time of year is always a very hard one for me. And always one I face alone.

My adopted son will be 10 August 4th. Not a day passes where I don’t think of him, and remember my failures. And also the likelihood of what would have happened to him had he not been adopted out.. I keep hearing “everything for a reason” and “your happiness is right around the corner..” And it’s all bullshit. All of it. I had as much happiness, more, than I’d ever had. I met someone, and had even more. For a while. That did not last. Of course not. It seems in my life, I only get a taste of what I truly want for just long enough to really start thinking maybe, just maybe… NOPE. then it all falls apart.

Then again, August 27th marks 5 years being divorced from an abusive alcoholic misogynistic worthless asshole, so there’s that. And he didn’t manage to kill me, OR our daughter. Hooray!
Aside from that, you’d think I would get used to the disappointment, but I don’t. I never do. And this time, I gave a bit too much. Figures. It comes down to me being a crazy bitch, I suppose. But aren’t we all?

I have learned that love is not a lie; love is a liability.

When you stretch out your arms, close your eyes and jump from that ledge, chances are damn high someone won’t catch you. And that is okay. But when you truly believe, you KNOW this person WILL, and they won’t.. It crushes some very special parts of you that.. Hell, I don’t know if they’ll come back. And I honestly don’t care. What’s gone is gone. And what this experience has left me with is.. little.

"You've lost your muchness."

“You’ve lost your muchness.”

Yes, I have, Hatter. But I have come away with a soul that is slowly leaking away at the seams I can no longer sew together quickly enough. I cried out for help for once, and was answered “how”. I do not know. I only know I am mad, to the core, and sinking deeper in to a mire I’ve no strength nor motivation to climb from, because I gave my muchness to someone who did not care for it as he should have, because he was too worried about his past repeating itself, as opposed to happy I wasn’t his past. Only, now I am.. but his past didn’t repeat. I am a new past.

This is why I don’t ask for help. When the person people come to for help, to lean on, needs help, suddenly everyone disappears. Suddenly, no one knows what to do. And gods forbid they just sit, shut the fuck up, and listen. And since I would like them to just sit, not interrupting, shut the fuck up and listen, I have communication issues..no matter how many times I’ve done JUST that for them.

And this is why the strongest motherfuckers so rarely say a word, just end up found with a bullet through their heads. Because even when they said a fucking word, others just kept right on talking.

No, I’m not going to kill myself. I’m not a pussy. And no matter how hard or harsh shit gets, I’ve got shit to do. But seriously, motherfuckers, sometimes it’s YOUR turn to sit down, shut the fuck up, and listen. You’re not the only motherfucker who sometimes just needs a motherfucker to care, to listen.

Titleless

‎”Expect the worst, hope for the best” is such a ridiculous phrase. Could you set yourself up for more failure?
No.
“Prepare for the worst, work for the best, know you’ll endure enough to appreciate the amazing, and foster the relationships that foster you.”

I have been hurt, broken-hearted and even broken…but I am a fighter, and will not give up, even when I’ve lost all will to live..because I love life and my true family too much to give up. Plus, I am a stubborn bitch.

Only love has the power to save or destroy us.
Only love can leave us cold on the hottest day, or warm on the coldest night.
Only love can make a man lie down his arms in surrender one moment, and raise them up in defense the next.
Only love can bring us from the very brink of death, when we hear a voice we love softly urging us back.
Only love can stay a hand hellbent on destruction…or cause one to swing that is instructing.
Only love gives us a reason to carry on, when all other reasons are gone.
But love can be defeated…
By fear.
By haste.
By ingratitude.
By waste.
By refusing to look.
By refusal to accept.
By looking too much in the past or future.
By sheer will.
By narcissism.
By running.
But mostly? Love is defeated by fear.. possibly the only emotion stronger, but only stronger by our CHOICE to let it be.
I cannot be defeated by my fear, because I refuse to accept it, to choose it.
I am too busy enjoying my life.. appreciating each moment.. LIVING what life I have, to bother giving fear time to take control.
I am too busy choosing to laugh, to smile, to love, to feel the wind caress my face and dance in my hair.. too busy tilting my head upwards, eyes closed, relishing each drop of rain on my face to have time to let the doubts seep in.
I am too busy celebrating each second, reveling in each touch, giggling at each amusement, squealing at each unexpected gift to bother with resentment, hatred or rejection.
I am too busy to let the negative take over my life, to take over me.
I am too busy with life to let the slow deaths of fear or hurt live my life for me. ♥

In short….I am too busy choosing to have a good life to have a bad life….even when the negativity surrounds me, threatens to choke out everything I am.

We never truly know where this life will lead…who will cross our paths..what every following second holds.  But whatever it has in store, I will smile.  I will laugh with abandon, cry when I have need, love wherever I choose, and some I don’t.

On this, my deceased father’s birthday, an update of importance, if only to me.

I have been conspicuously silent the past few months, and for good reason. Things in my life have, at points, come to a screeching halt, and at other times they have sped so far out of control, I wanted to yell LETMEOFFLETMEOFFLETMEOFF. This has definitely been a year of upheavals and trials, for sure.. though it has also been a year for good revelations, smiles, laughter, love, dancing, blah blah all that sweet shit.

Where to start? not the beginning this time, Dear Reader. Not this time.

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The captain of your ship of dreams..

Y’know what I’m tired of hearing, seeing people post, reading, whatever, about relationships?
“It’ll work out some day. It HAS to, right?”
Well, I’ve got your answer, darlings.
No.
NO, it does not have to work out some day. This isn’t Disney, you’re not a god damn princess, and the bottom line is NO, it will not work out for everyone.

Let me break it down for you, okay?

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Foundations

What faith I had in people
You shook to its foundation
What faith I had in people
You crushed

What heart I had once
Taken
Bled out again, mistaken
What heart I had once, ash beneath your touch

What fight I had is broken
A spirit left for reaping
A trudging soul
No longer strength to run

A smile of pure abandon
A battered soul now leaping
What choices made
Can lead us to this turn

What heart I had once,
Pounding
What fight? Is slowly rising
What strength returns, but still I will not run.

 

Just a little something that came out when I was thinking, 14-December

Inconvenient painful truths

It’s time for some brutal and painful honesty tonight, gentle readers.. The type of honesty you don’t want to admit even to yourself: the type of honesty that brings the hot painful tears to both the reader and the author. The type of honesty that only freshly opened, never healed, very deep wounds can evoke.

First, you should note I’ve no clue how long this will be or where it will go. You take this journey as I take this journey; blind and fucking batshit crazy until we reach our port of call.

Enjoy.

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Shorts….

All the positive thoughts and good intentions in the world do not make a bed warmer at the end of the day, when darkness falls and all the fears brushed aside during the day rear their ugly heads once again, screaming to be heard.

The point being..don’t ever assume what someone else is going through.  Remind them of all the good they still have, but don’t shove it down their throats.

One could say I went through and lost too much too young.  One would be correct.  But this smile is still real.