PTSD and Other Varied Hobbies

PTSD is a bitch. It is a sickness that lives in your heart and mind and soul and there is no cure beyond time, understanding, compassion, support, and love…all of which are in too short a supply these days.

Continue reading

Advertisements

Life: Are You Experienced, Baby?

I have most often lived my life in a purposeful state of casual deliberation.  I do very few things accidentally, and I have precious few regrets.  At the end of each day, the lack of regrets allows me to sleep better, dream better, live better.

We live in a world of lost opportunities, missed connections, not stepping forward, keeping our mouths closed when we should shout from the rooftops.  We live in a world of mice-like scurrying form one destination, job, experience, love, new thing to the next.  We are far too often concerned with getting to the next experience, place, thing and not at all concerned with enjoying the one we are currently in, and this cheapens the very existence of our life.

This is not, at all, to state new experiences are a waste.  No, dear reader! this is to express the idea that we can enjoy the experience we are in now without longing for the next right away.  We are so busy telling ourselves we are sucking all the marrow out of life that we frequently do not see we are, in fact, overlooking the bones for the next great conquest before we have even began to enjoy the current one.  Part of winning, friends, is knowing how to enjoy the win, no matter how large or small.  The joy of a journey may be in the journey itself, but we can also enjoy the destination for a spell before moving on.  Part of the journey is enjoying arriving, after all; reveling in how we got there and what brought us to that point.

I have often heard people reminisce on their lives rather woefully, stating they feel so empty, despite having whatever society tells them they must have (specific job, spouse, kids, house, etc), despite having loving friends, family and companions, despite having a great job, car, house, whatever.  We are so busy trying to attain the next thing, the next level of life we’re told we should want that we don’t sit back contentedly, stare at what we have accomplished, and say “god damn right. This is great.”  And you know what?  We damn well should.  Look at you, motherfucker!  Here you are, alive and thriving, and doing your damn thing.  You’re surviving in a world that doesn’t give two shits or a fuck about you.  You are making it even when you think you are failing.  How is that? Because you are still fucking here, fighting to come back up for air even when you’re drowning.  You’re a bad ass motherfucker, and don’t you dare ever let anyone tell you differently.

As I stated, I have precious few regrets.  If I took an action, chances are I do so deliberately whether I thought it through beforehand or not.  I do not regret my decision; I simply make the best of the consequences and move on.  I wallow in some things, but not very many.  Well, I do not even wallow so much as mourn a loss of a person or opportunity.  If I fuck up, I try to make it better.  If I cannot make it better, I say my peace and move on.  I do not have “what might have been” issues, mainly because I would not be where I am NOW had my past run another route.  I am not, by any means, happy all the time.  I am not content with my job nor place of residence nor romantic liasons nor a dozen other minutia of my life, but I am working on those.  I do not wish to be content as for me that promotes stagnation, but I am working towards more peace in my heart regarding my station in life and how I perceive it.  You see, my life is not bad, it is simply not how I want it to be in many ways.  Therefore, I work to resolve those trivialities so I can be more relaxed and at ease at the end of my day.  I do not regret; I bust ass to resolve.

Though I admit I do have a few regrets.

Several years back, I had two abortions.  Now some people would say they regret that infinitely.  I do not.  Why?? Because they saved my life.  Yup, that’s right; they saved my life.  I had already gone in for my yearly exam recently when I had one.  I had to go back, after, for a pap smear to verify everything was okay and it was found I had pre-cancerous cells in my cervix.  I went in for another two weeks later, and it had developed in to full-blown cancer.  I was whisked away and had an (at the time) experimental laser surgery to remove several layers of tissue.  The surgery is run-of-the-mill now, but at the time it was new and terrifying.  But I survived.  I am alive.  And I went on to give birth to a precocious daughter who drives me batty and gives me hugs and kisses and cuddles even when we want to scream at each other.  {{grins}}  So, you see, even those actions that we might want to regret can lead to good things..  I can be upset at my choice, or I can be grateful for the long-term outcome.

And that is part of the problem with people and their warped mindsets today.  We are in such a downward spiral of instant gratification that we have no real concept of the long game any more.  We want more, to do more, to see more, to experience more, to LIVE more rightnowdamnit so much, we quit really living.  We go through so damn many experience, but how many of you actually experience your life as opposed to trudging through it looking for The Next Big Thing?

Most of us don’t.  We’re so concerned with providing for our children’s futures after we’re gone, and getting that new luxury car and impressing X people and partying on the weekends to shake off the emptiness or frustration at the week and jumping from relationship to relationship (in regards to both friends AND lovers) and finding a new living room set every two years, and.. I can go on.  Fuck all that.  I mean, leave a little something for your kids in the positive instead of all bills, if you can, but how about you spend some of that money NOW on an experience TOGETHER that you can all enjoy?? go on a family Disney cruise.  Go to Great Wolf lodges. Go to Hawaii, to Ireland, to Japan, to the damn beach down the road, to something together NOW.  Make memories, not plans.  Our lives are an in-progress motion picture we cannot rewind or fast forward.  If we press stop, we can’t press play again.Our lives are a series of memories we can hold on to when the stresses of our responsibilities become too much and we need a little moonlight to guide us out of the troubled turbulent waters.  Our memories are what we have left when the experience is over, and sometimes revisiting those memories, eyes closed, smiling, is a good way to spend some time, to fully taste and savor the delicate blending of smells, colours, emotions that an experience can give us if we truly dive in to it and enjoy it for what it is.  If we truly experience the now, we can go back and re-live it over and over and over, until our eyes close for good.  When you truly experience something, you get to carry it with you.

Why do we wallow in the hurtful experiences by fly through the good ones, trying to get to the next?? Nah, man.  Feel the hurt, the pain, the heartbreak, the mourning.. but give just as much time and as many emotions to the positive.  When you smell that fucking flower, you close your god damn eyes and take that scent with you to your grave.  You feel those jumping happy fuckin’ butterflies in your stomach so you ALWAYs have a spring in your step, even if you get to the point of no longer being able to walk.  You take the memory of jumping in puddles with your kid with you until you are nothing more that flecks of dust flung back in to the cosmos.  Don’t rush through it.  Don’t overlook it.  Don’t you dare take that god damn moment for granted.  You live each moment deliberately, with happy fuckin’ abandon, and don’t you dare regret or overlook the good or bad that brought you to this exact moment, this exact time, this exact place, this exact experience.

How at the moon. Live your god damn life like you motherfucking mean it.

Take in every experience, no matter how big or small.

Take in every experience, no matter how big or small.

Mawwaige Is What Bwings Us Togevvuh, Today!

My daughter, 8, asked me (via written message on a whiteboard, complete with yes/no check boxes) if I am going to marry a specific someone one day. Which she followed up with a note asking me to not be mad at her asking, she was just curious. (No worries, dear reader, I told her in no uncertain terms she can ask me anything any time and I will answer to the best of my ability…and I will not be upset over the asking of questions.) This got me thinking, as the topic of marriage usually does.

Continue reading

I Miss Music

I miss music.

I miss music in a way I cannot explain to people who do not appreciate it, to people who do not actually play an instrument.  I miss sitting down on the porch with my guitar or bass, legs curled under me, cigarette hanging from my mouth, drink at my side.  Not that I miss smoking.. But I miss music.  I miss letting all my frustrations, anger, sadness, pain, misery, and any other negative emotion go while I strummed, sang.. or even when I played a piano.  I miss letting the feeling of the vibration of the strings enhance my happiness and joy.  I miss feeling goosebumps raise on my arms as I play something that resonates my soul.

I miss music.

I miss feeling the keys depress under my fingers.  I miss the feel of the strings as they vibrate and pop.  I miss feeling my heart beating faster and faster, as I get closer to the breakdowns.

I fucking miss music.

I even miss my fingers hurting after I’ve played too long. I miss looking up to realize a few hours have passed, stretching slowly to pop my back, and rolling my head around to loosen my neck.  I miss rubbing the cramps out of arthritis-laden hands and smiling, because the pain was worth the time I got to play.  I miss holding my bass.  I miss taking a sip of whatever I was drinking after I don’t know how much time, letting it cool my parched throat, because I forgot where I was for a long while, while I played.  I miss closing my eyes and lowering my head as I played the sounds over and over in my head, testing different notes to see what I liked best, before beginning to play again.  I miss the countless hours I “lost” while playing.

I miss music!

I miss seeing my daughter sit next to me, sometimes for hours, mesmerized by whatever I played.  I miss hearing her hum along as she got the rhythm and beat, I miss hearing her make up songs to whatever I played.  I miss seeding her eyes light up as I pulled out one of my guitars and began tuning it.  I miss her incessant questions about why I did this or that, and how.  I miss seeing her eyes light up as I started to play.

I miss music.

I miss the absolute release.  I miss how exhausted I would be after playing out my emotions.  I miss dragging myself to bed at whatever hour because I gave music all my hurt and I had nothing left.  I miss walking back inside with a flounce because I let go of all the hurt and added back to my joy.

I miss playing.

I miss my bass.

I miss being able to play for hours instead of a few minutes before I’m crying form pain, because of a severely damaged wrist.

I miss the release.

I fucking miss music.  And listening is never the same.

Dear Dad..

Dear Dad….

There are days when I miss having you to talk to like a suffocating person misses air.  When I gulp in and drown in memories and “what ifs” and “what might have beens”.  There are days when I don’t think about you at all.  Today is the former.

There are days when I think I would give an appendage to hear your voice, jokes, laughter, sarcastic assery.  To catch you up on all my life has been since we last spoke.

Has it really been 14 years? It feels longer.

Continue reading

Love is a Many-Splintered Thing, Part 2

My last blog entry was about love.  Well, I would like to follow up that entry with an addition.

A few days ago, a Facebook friend posted this screenshot:

A wonderful example of not letting the world change who you are.

A wonderful example of not letting the world change who you are.

This screenshot made me tear up a little, because it is a wonderful example of love in its simplest most pure form.  Allow me to explain why, in light of my previous post.

We are flawed, each of us.  We are products of our environments, the people around us, how we are raised, how we are treated, the information we learn, the horrors and joys we witness throughout our lives.  But mostly, we are a product of our own choices.  We CHOOSE to change who we are based on the factors listed above, and more.  Who hurt us and how, who we hurt and how, daily nuisances and successes, et cetera.  Simply, we are the end result of what we choose to allow to affect us, and how we choose to let it affect us.

(Read more below.  It is worth your time, promise..)

Continue reading

Love Is a Many-Splintered Thing

Before any of you get all panty-wadded over the titled, just don’t.  Fucking don’t.

Now that’s over with, let us continue.  I am sure several of you have seen the article comparing John Lennon and Trent Reznor where it waxes poetical about Lennon’s Love Is All You Need and Reznor’s Love Is Not Enough.  It goes on to state Lennon was a known abuser of his love and sex interests (so was Reznor, actually)  and how he never took time for his family and wife and whatever.  Then it goes on to say how Reznor took time off to spend with his family (very admirable) and how he understood love isn’t all you need.  For the record; Reznor was a piece of shit to most of his love interests until he fell for his wife.  It has been pretty well documented by groupies, staff, other bands.  So let’s not try to compare apples and apples and call one an orange, mmmkay?  HOWEVER, he DID clean his shit up, and he is correct: love is NOT enough.  In case you have not read the post and give a fuck – http://markmanson.net/love

Love is the absolute smallest and most easily obtained building block one needs for a healthy and happy relationship.  Love is the one piece of a relationship that comes EASILY.  It is also easily lost, if you do not take care of it.  But that goes in to other aspects of relationships.

You must have compassion, understanding, trust, loyalty, a deep desire to stay together, a willingness to compromise and work with the other person, genuine joy in their presence, a profound commitment to their happiness, your happiness, your happiness together.  Love is NOT enough.  You must be willing to take care of one another, defend one another, and kick one another in the ass when necessary (though the manner of the kicking differs greatly for each person and situation).  You must BOTH have all of these qualities, and more.  You both have to hold your relationship as THE most important relationship, because all your other relationships can be built or destroyed based on that one at the center.

(Read more below.)

Continue reading