Depression Sucks, So Give It The Finger

I have been depressed this entire year. Yup; from before the first second until now. Through now.

However……..

I put chocolate syrup in my coffee today. I had a bitchin’ bowl of homemade stew. Callista is wearing a Hello Kitty nightgown while doing her school work. I have a mohawk I love, friends I love, family I love. I don’t live where I want, I don’t have everyone here that I want. The past year and a half has been incredibly painful and difficult in ways words cannot describe. But I am still here, I am still smiling (now with 100% MOAR TEETHS, as Scott put it), and every day is another chance to pick my stubborn ass back up, dust off, and keep skipping along with a twinkle in my eyes. Or crawling with a twinkle, on the bad days.

I may seem happy most of the time.. and once upon a time, I was. It is not easy maintaining a positive outlook, especially when I was 100% negative until 8 years ago, but I am positively sure I don’t give two shits how hard it is; this hooker abides.

I can’t explain it, but I feel yesterday and today are vital turning points in the struggle (I have partially subjected myself to) of the past 18 months or so. Hard days are inevitable. Depression, for me, is inevitable. ACCEPTING either without busting ass to change them are not. So bring on the bright sparkly whatevers, and bust out the toothy grins, bitches, and make today what you will. xo

Depression isn't the killer - our choices are.

Depression isn’t the killer – our choices are.

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Life: Are You Experienced, Baby?

I have most often lived my life in a purposeful state of casual deliberation.  I do very few things accidentally, and I have precious few regrets.  At the end of each day, the lack of regrets allows me to sleep better, dream better, live better.

We live in a world of lost opportunities, missed connections, not stepping forward, keeping our mouths closed when we should shout from the rooftops.  We live in a world of mice-like scurrying form one destination, job, experience, love, new thing to the next.  We are far too often concerned with getting to the next experience, place, thing and not at all concerned with enjoying the one we are currently in, and this cheapens the very existence of our life.

This is not, at all, to state new experiences are a waste.  No, dear reader! this is to express the idea that we can enjoy the experience we are in now without longing for the next right away.  We are so busy telling ourselves we are sucking all the marrow out of life that we frequently do not see we are, in fact, overlooking the bones for the next great conquest before we have even began to enjoy the current one.  Part of winning, friends, is knowing how to enjoy the win, no matter how large or small.  The joy of a journey may be in the journey itself, but we can also enjoy the destination for a spell before moving on.  Part of the journey is enjoying arriving, after all; reveling in how we got there and what brought us to that point.

I have often heard people reminisce on their lives rather woefully, stating they feel so empty, despite having whatever society tells them they must have (specific job, spouse, kids, house, etc), despite having loving friends, family and companions, despite having a great job, car, house, whatever.  We are so busy trying to attain the next thing, the next level of life we’re told we should want that we don’t sit back contentedly, stare at what we have accomplished, and say “god damn right. This is great.”  And you know what?  We damn well should.  Look at you, motherfucker!  Here you are, alive and thriving, and doing your damn thing.  You’re surviving in a world that doesn’t give two shits or a fuck about you.  You are making it even when you think you are failing.  How is that? Because you are still fucking here, fighting to come back up for air even when you’re drowning.  You’re a bad ass motherfucker, and don’t you dare ever let anyone tell you differently.

As I stated, I have precious few regrets.  If I took an action, chances are I do so deliberately whether I thought it through beforehand or not.  I do not regret my decision; I simply make the best of the consequences and move on.  I wallow in some things, but not very many.  Well, I do not even wallow so much as mourn a loss of a person or opportunity.  If I fuck up, I try to make it better.  If I cannot make it better, I say my peace and move on.  I do not have “what might have been” issues, mainly because I would not be where I am NOW had my past run another route.  I am not, by any means, happy all the time.  I am not content with my job nor place of residence nor romantic liasons nor a dozen other minutia of my life, but I am working on those.  I do not wish to be content as for me that promotes stagnation, but I am working towards more peace in my heart regarding my station in life and how I perceive it.  You see, my life is not bad, it is simply not how I want it to be in many ways.  Therefore, I work to resolve those trivialities so I can be more relaxed and at ease at the end of my day.  I do not regret; I bust ass to resolve.

Though I admit I do have a few regrets.

Several years back, I had two abortions.  Now some people would say they regret that infinitely.  I do not.  Why?? Because they saved my life.  Yup, that’s right; they saved my life.  I had already gone in for my yearly exam recently when I had one.  I had to go back, after, for a pap smear to verify everything was okay and it was found I had pre-cancerous cells in my cervix.  I went in for another two weeks later, and it had developed in to full-blown cancer.  I was whisked away and had an (at the time) experimental laser surgery to remove several layers of tissue.  The surgery is run-of-the-mill now, but at the time it was new and terrifying.  But I survived.  I am alive.  And I went on to give birth to a precocious daughter who drives me batty and gives me hugs and kisses and cuddles even when we want to scream at each other.  {{grins}}  So, you see, even those actions that we might want to regret can lead to good things..  I can be upset at my choice, or I can be grateful for the long-term outcome.

And that is part of the problem with people and their warped mindsets today.  We are in such a downward spiral of instant gratification that we have no real concept of the long game any more.  We want more, to do more, to see more, to experience more, to LIVE more rightnowdamnit so much, we quit really living.  We go through so damn many experience, but how many of you actually experience your life as opposed to trudging through it looking for The Next Big Thing?

Most of us don’t.  We’re so concerned with providing for our children’s futures after we’re gone, and getting that new luxury car and impressing X people and partying on the weekends to shake off the emptiness or frustration at the week and jumping from relationship to relationship (in regards to both friends AND lovers) and finding a new living room set every two years, and.. I can go on.  Fuck all that.  I mean, leave a little something for your kids in the positive instead of all bills, if you can, but how about you spend some of that money NOW on an experience TOGETHER that you can all enjoy?? go on a family Disney cruise.  Go to Great Wolf lodges. Go to Hawaii, to Ireland, to Japan, to the damn beach down the road, to something together NOW.  Make memories, not plans.  Our lives are an in-progress motion picture we cannot rewind or fast forward.  If we press stop, we can’t press play again.Our lives are a series of memories we can hold on to when the stresses of our responsibilities become too much and we need a little moonlight to guide us out of the troubled turbulent waters.  Our memories are what we have left when the experience is over, and sometimes revisiting those memories, eyes closed, smiling, is a good way to spend some time, to fully taste and savor the delicate blending of smells, colours, emotions that an experience can give us if we truly dive in to it and enjoy it for what it is.  If we truly experience the now, we can go back and re-live it over and over and over, until our eyes close for good.  When you truly experience something, you get to carry it with you.

Why do we wallow in the hurtful experiences by fly through the good ones, trying to get to the next?? Nah, man.  Feel the hurt, the pain, the heartbreak, the mourning.. but give just as much time and as many emotions to the positive.  When you smell that fucking flower, you close your god damn eyes and take that scent with you to your grave.  You feel those jumping happy fuckin’ butterflies in your stomach so you ALWAYs have a spring in your step, even if you get to the point of no longer being able to walk.  You take the memory of jumping in puddles with your kid with you until you are nothing more that flecks of dust flung back in to the cosmos.  Don’t rush through it.  Don’t overlook it.  Don’t you dare take that god damn moment for granted.  You live each moment deliberately, with happy fuckin’ abandon, and don’t you dare regret or overlook the good or bad that brought you to this exact moment, this exact time, this exact place, this exact experience.

How at the moon. Live your god damn life like you motherfucking mean it.

Take in every experience, no matter how big or small.

Take in every experience, no matter how big or small.

Love is a Many-Splintered Thing, Part 2

My last blog entry was about love.  Well, I would like to follow up that entry with an addition.

A few days ago, a Facebook friend posted this screenshot:

A wonderful example of not letting the world change who you are.

A wonderful example of not letting the world change who you are.

This screenshot made me tear up a little, because it is a wonderful example of love in its simplest most pure form.  Allow me to explain why, in light of my previous post.

We are flawed, each of us.  We are products of our environments, the people around us, how we are raised, how we are treated, the information we learn, the horrors and joys we witness throughout our lives.  But mostly, we are a product of our own choices.  We CHOOSE to change who we are based on the factors listed above, and more.  Who hurt us and how, who we hurt and how, daily nuisances and successes, et cetera.  Simply, we are the end result of what we choose to allow to affect us, and how we choose to let it affect us.

(Read more below.  It is worth your time, promise..)

Continue reading

So this post will likely not be easy to type.  But then none of the recent ones have been.  Alright, I will be honest.  Precious few of them are easy for me to type, because I am reaching in to a pitted and torn soul and pulling out pieces to share with you.  It doesn’t even matter so much that you, anyone, read them so much as I type them and put them out here so they CAN be read.  And I can explain it no further than that.

I recently – just a few minutes ago – watched a viral video from YouTube user SupDaily06…I am sure most of you have seen it fly past your FaceBook feed if nothing else.  It is the video of a straight man talking about a recent viral video of a teenager coming out to his parents about being gay.  First, if you haven’t seen the video, I want you to watch the video before you continue reading.

Now on to why this hits me, a straight (but never narrow) 34 year old woman RIGHT in dem feels… Continue reading

Foundations

What faith I had in people
You shook to its foundation
What faith I had in people
You crushed

What heart I had once
Taken
Bled out again, mistaken
What heart I had once, ash beneath your touch

What fight I had is broken
A spirit left for reaping
A trudging soul
No longer strength to run

A smile of pure abandon
A battered soul now leaping
What choices made
Can lead us to this turn

What heart I had once,
Pounding
What fight? Is slowly rising
What strength returns, but still I will not run.

 

Just a little something that came out when I was thinking, 14-December